I want to be beautiful. I want to look in the mirror and not be mortified by my face underneathe this lipstick smile.

And while I stress about my face, my hair and my body, there’s one thing I can’t stand: stupid, flat-charactered hot girls. The kind of girls (and there are LOTS of guys like this too) who talk about themselves and will get bored if they’re not talking about themselves. They make me want to forget the whole beauty thing, because if I’m classified as one of them by my external appearance, I might as well be a happy, unbothered fat chick.

…Anyways, I digress!

Well, I thought deeply about why I wanted to be pretty… and what other people’s reasons might be. One popular reason is to be loved, and get attention. I used to have that mentality, but now I believe love grows. Every relationship with another human will be wonderful, exciting, awkward and horribly embarassing at times. It isn’t this Hollywood thing where upon sight you know the two will just click and the couple will say the right things at the right time. People don’t have mental telepathy. And if I learnt anything about my experience with men, I’ve really admired the few who had the heart to listen and care, rather than looked pretty and threw me around. I think sexiness is ultimately an attitude, not solely looks.

Another reason to be pretty is it’s the best revenge on those who play on your weaknesses…and maybe to them it might be your appearance. I think this still is lingering in my head. I want to show the people who put me down that I can go forward and be who I can be, no matter what they say. But when I think about it further, its exactly what they’re saying that makes me want to counter it in these actions…so that means I do care, and I get caught in confusion. Do I care or I not care about what they say? Funny how often the human mind makes a resolution based on a contradiction.

But hands down, I dress for confidence. It is almost like playing pretend sometimes – if I put myself in the environment and character, I will act a certain way in whatever I chose to dress myself in and the things I surround myself with. I am an actor who needs proper mise-en-scene to act. It makes me wonder if I could have the same level of confidence without my lipstick smile … it makes me wonder why we feel the need to mask our natural selves, like Adam and Eve did when they acquired full knowledge of the world. What is this of the human psyche? What -